15 December 2011

STEINER, AGAIN:

Doesn't Germany have anyone but the arrogant and ignorant Michael Steiner to represent it on pressing world conflicts? He was forced on Kofi Annan who was then seeking a second term in 2001 when Chancellor Schroeder had to dump him after a popular uproar following an infamous incident at Moscow airport where he abused three German officers calling them "arseholes" and command that they fetch him caviar while the Chancellor was meeting with then President Putin. In Kosovo, Steiner was a misguided human missile who antagonized various factions to the extent that he had to be pulled out. Now, Steiner re-appeared at the international conference on peace in Afghanistan. Apparently, he is Germany's Special Representative on Afghanistan and Pakistan. When it was obvious that the absence of Pakistan and lack of any Taliban factional representation meant lack of serious progress, Steiner interjected publicly that Pakistan's absence "doesn't change the outcome; it doesn't affect a single comma"! He must have been in a coma.

DEMESS LEAVES:

Speaking about incompetent yet arrogant self-promoters, it is now final that Italian/Swede/Swede/Italian Staffan de Mistura, known as DeMess, is leaving the post of Special Representative for Afghanistan. He mostly managed to cover his incompetence by playing up to influential officials in high places. His infamous arrangement to advance from D-2 to ASG by taking with him Iqbal Riza's son, and a similar case in Iraq (to USG) by taking over the new Secretary General's son-in-law were an embarrassment to international civil service and fueled talk about a "culture of corruption." Apparently, he was very good at Meeting/Greeting functions, although he seemed to give a dubious impression when shaking someone's hand profusely that he was at the same time exploring other more potentially useful hands to shake. He will be perhaps missed only by compatriot Giorgio Armani.

COFFEE OVER TEA:

Freshly packed Ceylon tea did not seem to help Sri Lankan candidate Perera to get re-elected to the International Law Commission. We hear that he was a hard-working capable diplomat, son of an experienced diplomat and former successful Senator who once served in Egypt. It is not clear, however, why anyone thought a handout of tea boxes especially printed with his name would advance his cause. Otherwise, someone would claim that it was the Juan Valdez coffee distributed by the delegation of Columbia that ensured the success of its candidate. As is well known by now, it is the impression of the candidate and campaign efforts by the delegation of his country that would make the difference. And, regrettably, that was not good enough in the case of Dr. Perera.

FRANCOPHONEY:

Just when we thought that our beloved U.N. is reaching embarrassing platitudes in making absurd special appointments, we found out that a Permanent Member of the Security Council, France, which regularly pontificates about the need for good proper international management, has embarked on a thinly veiled venture to accommodate political friends. "Ambassadeurs thematique" opens the door to put about twenty "special envoys" (sounds familiar!) with office space, drivers and expense accounts. One has already been assigned to take charge of "social cohesion" and work for "negotiations on climate change" (one more!). A senator has been designated as roving ambassador to Asia; someone else is already overseeing "the prevention of conflicts in Africa" and "the struggle against maritime piracy." Another phoney Francophony is the special envoy "to reflect on the renovation of France-Africa summits."

IRISH:

A customer at Eli's upscale gourmet store on Manhattan's Upper East Side approached a young woman who was offering samples of cheese. With each taste she would explain the country of origin. Displaying products of Ireland, she mentioned counties like Cork, Galway, and Waterford. After enjoying a good taste, the customer -- a U.N. colleague -- asked for the price of a ready-wrapped parcel from county Cork, then read aloud: "It's price is $12.75," to which the young woman swiftly responded with a very clear accent: "You couldn't put a price on Irish cheese." Our colleague did not need to ask where she came from.

NING NANG NONG:

"On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
and the monkeys all say BOO!
There's a Nong Nang Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots jibber jabber joo.
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the mice go Clang
And you just can't catch 'em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong
Cows go Bong!
Nong Ning Nang
Trees go ping
Nong Ning Nang
The mice go Clang
What a noisy place to belong
is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!!"

-- Spike Milligan

LEMON:

The last person the U.S. Administration should have sent to Iraq as the last senior official before an official handover was its Vice President Joseph Biden. He is not liked in Baghdad, particularly because of a perception that he called for dividing the country into three autonomous zones, and his links to some of those who used their U.S. credentials to gain from oil deals on the basis of such division. Anyway, in a very ordinary speech, Mr. Biden, in reference to U.S. accomplishments there said that "we turned lemons into lemonade"! He was even less inspiring in nearby Turkey where he almost got into an argument with his hosts. He apparently got offended when Turkey's Deputy Prime Minister for Economy Ali Babacan boasted about his country's progress while other purportedly advanced countries were in obvious financial turmoil! "It's the fast fish, not the big fish, that eats the small fish," he said. Mr. Biden decided to respond with a heavy-handed analogy, pointing out that in a "sea of young sharks, the U.S. is still the big whale" -- which is precisely the point made by its adversaries.

$25 MILLION:

With the arrest of Saif Al-Islam Qaddafi in the desert, an English paper claimed that it was a special British intelligence operation that did it. Although the Libyans who had arrested him and taken him to Zintan were clearly identified and photographed, even by Reuters, the weekly insisted that Qaddafi's eldest son was tracked when he made two calls from his cellphone. The main point made was the discovery entailed using a $25 million piece of equipment. Libyan observers saw in the report a claim to seek that amount for services rendered. If British agents had tracked him, they say, why would they have allowed rebels from Zintan, a fiercely independent group, to grab and transport him safely to their town. Also, others noted, the captive -- who was known to be a savvy networker -- would have been too careful to use his cellphone in an area loaded with monitors. Whatever, no $25 million is likely to come from Zintan -- they'd rather receive than dispense.

GROUND RULES:

Those who attended the American Music Awards and Latin Music Awards were entertained not only by exquisite music but also by a fascinating display of competition between recently divorced artists Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. The two well-connected Puerto Ricans competed in showing their popularity in subtle roles. The man dominated the Latin show with an elaborate performance -- entitled "Let it Rain Over Me," with rain simulation, colourful lights and thunder. He also made sure to be surrounded by beautiful women watching him adoringly. The woman ruled at the American awards, almost dictating her appearance showing off that she still has that body that launched her fame. Only this time, she had groups of young muscular men approaching her, besieging her, beseeching her, only to end up on the ground, under her feet. The actual winner was a rapper called Pitbull who managed to sing with both at the two occasions. As she paid for some of the commercials, the lady seemed to set the ground rules.

PAUSE:

"One more victory we shall be totally ruined."
-- Greek King Pyrrhus after defeating the Romans in Heraclea 250 B.C.

PREDICTIONS:

"Africa will stay hungry, Asia will stay busy, EU will stay angry; AUS will put a shrimp on the barbeque."
-- Shafi Saxena, global nomad, fascinated by people (from the Economist)

INTERNSHIP:

-- From Private Eye

PLUS CA CHANGE:

As former Cote d'Ivoire President Laurent Gbagbo is sent to the International Court for trail, his successor Alassane Ouattara has bought a (second hand) plane for his Presidential travel from a Saudi company owned by the family of Lebanese assassinated Prime Minister Rafic Hariri. The new President was supposed to start with a visit to Paris late December, but was asked to delay it to January. Madame Sarkozy, who just delivered her baby, would prefer to have the Christmas season in a family ambiance...Apropos the new regime, some of the old order businessmen are regaining their influence through newly appointed key officials. For example, Andre Souman, former son-in-law of the first President Félix Houphouët-Boigny, regained his control of the monopoly to weigh and evaluate all the cocoa produced by the country, which he had lost a couple of years ago. His new connection is the brother of the secretary-general of the President's office.

OPTIONS:

Attacker: "Your money or your life."
Attacked: "Let me think"!
-- From a dialogue sketch by Groucho Marx

NO OPTIONS:

"'God is dead.' Karl Marx"
Red-painted graffiti in a Parisian subway. After a couple of weeks, someone added in white chalk: "'Karl Marx is dead.' God"

HELLO:

* Is this the office of the Special Representative of the Secretary General?
- Who may I say is calling?
* Who may I ask are you?
- I am the Special Assistant to the Personal Assistant to the Special Representative of the Secretary General. And who may I ask wants to know?
* A personal friend of the Special Representative when he was a Special Envoy.
- (Slowly) Personal friend of the Special Envoy...?
* That was immediately after he had concluded his appointment as Permanent Representative to the United Nations in New York.
- (Pause)
* Of course, he had served before that in Geneva. Once as Permanent Rep and once as head of a Coherence team.
- Er... (a longer pause) Geneva?
* Yes. Actually, that's where I am calling from.
- (Anxiously) Geneva?
* Yes. Where the Secretary General was just visiting. So was his Special Representative.
- ...
* Let me suggest that you take down my number on your screen and have him call me back?
- Yes. Will do, sir. Thank you, sir.

GOLD MEN:

When influential financial circles in Europe and U.S. profusely welcomed the appointment of the two new Prime Ministers in Italy (Mario Monti) and Greece (Lucas Papademos), it was generally assumed it was mostly because of their outstanding credentials. It turned out that there may be another discreet reason. Both men have had close advisory links with one of the most influential ventures on both sides of the Atlantic: Goldman Sachs. According to several informed sources, Goldman Sachs had helped the Greek government to mask the true extent of its deficit (Der Spiegel February 2010), and managed $15 billion of bond sales for Greece (bloomberg news February 17, 2010). Goldman's President Gary D. Cohn actually went to Athens "to pitch complex products to defer debt which allowed Greece to continue the deficit (New York Times). Mario Monti, who had taught at Harvard's Kennedy School of Government, was a Goldman Sachs Executive. So, by the way, is the new European Central Banker, Mario Draghi, who was Managing Director of Goldman Sachs International. At least one British daily started to work on a chart on Goldman taking over Europe. Italian reporters, with much wider imagination, most likely will go for a conspiracy theory.

URGENT SIGN:

"I Want to Spend the Rest of My Life Everywhere, With Everyone, One to One, Always, Forever, Now."
-- Sign in South Beach, Miami, during Art Basel.

HAIR DAY:

Hillary Rodham Clinton, U.S. Secretary of State, and a world leader on her own, used to quip that if she wanted to alter headlines about her work, she only had to change her hair style. Well, we noted that for the first two weeks of December, the former First Lady has kept the same hairstyle, a new one with a clip to the back. Would that be in line with the new priority given to Asia -- where women tend to pack their hair backward or merely because she's too busy to coif her hair in any way. No contest, as long as she keeps smiling.

ADVICE:

"Advice is like snow. The softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon and the deeper it sinks into mind."
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

THAT SMILE:

MSELLE.COM:

A solid and most influential figure in U.N. financial management, Ambassador Mselle of Tanzania who chaired the Advisory Committee on Administrative and Budgetary Questions (ACABQ) for decades, has put out one of three planned volumes of U.N. experience. It can be accessed at www.mselle.com, and will certainly be very interesting reading, particularly for those dealing with U.N. management issues.

COUSIN?:

When a diplomat whispered that U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was pushing for the appointment of "a Cousin" to lead the UN/World Food Programme (WFP), some of his colleagues got slightly excited about catching the formidable lady with an act of nepotism. It turned out that Cousin was actually the name of the candidate. Ertharin Cousin is the U.S. Ambassador WFP in Rome. A joint UN Secretariat/FAO appointment is expected to replace the outgoing Director, a Bush Administration appointee. The U.S. pays a substantial amount of WFP's budget ($23 billion over the last five years) and usually gets its nominee. If eventually appointed, Ms. Cousin -- an African American -- will only have to cross the street from her mission to the new office.

A CLOUD?!:

Three young Dutch architects from Rotterdam provoked anger by a design they titled "The Cloud," which has an image resembling the 9/11 criminal assault on New York's Twin Towers. They prepared it for a Korean project but got delayed by protesters who accused them of being Al-Qaeda sympathizers. They claimed they had no idea of any resemblance, and that the "Cloud" was based on "parameters such as sunlight, outside space, living quality of its inhabitants." Indeed, the architects haughtily added it is "an experiment with a raised city level to re-invent the often solitary typology of the skyscraper." The Dutch architects almost got away with it. Could you imagine what would have happened if any of the architects or the business firm was Arab or Moslem?

NADIA YOUNES MEMORIAL LECTURE:

The American University of Cairo has indicated that Dr. Gro Harlem Brundtland, former Prime Minister of Norway, former Director General of World Health Organization, will give the Nadia Younes Memorial lecture on Monday 12 March 2012. One more reason to visit Cairo in real Spring.